You might be a Redneck if....

 
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  • you have ever used lard in bed.
  • you own more than 3 shirts with cut-off sleeves.
  • you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
  • you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
  • your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
  • your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
  • the primary color of your car is Bondo.
  • directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
  • your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  • you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
  • your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
  • you have a rag for a gas cap.
  • the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  • you have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car should be.
  • you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
  • you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message "For a good time call _______."
  • your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  • Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  • you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
  • your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
  • you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
  • your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  • your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
  • your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  • you have ever started a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
  • you call the boss "dude."
  • you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
  • you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  • you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
  • after making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
  • anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
  • your family tree is a straight line.
  • you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
  • you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
  • you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace.
  • you still have an 8-track tape player in your car.
  • you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
  • your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
  • you think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
  • you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
  • you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
  • your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run.
  • you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.
  • you have a family reunion by watching America's Most Wanted..
  • they have to notify next of kin by visiting the state pen.
 
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